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Playgroup: Not forJust Kids but for Moms Too!
By: Robin Shane
Life before children was less complicated and in many ways just easier to navigate. Of course there were challenges, I’m not going to pretend there weren’t. Making it through graduate school with 40 hours a week in class and three times that in homework was tough, but I managed to live what I thought was a balanced life visiting friends and family and staying on the dean’s list (not to mention Friday nights living up the single’s scene in NYC). I have always relied on my internal drive for perfection and resourcefulness and it usually worked for me. Even after I was married and my career as a costume designer had me working on two or three shows at a time, I was able to keep my life and myself together. Yes, I got nervous, yes I got stressed out, but I always knew how to find solutions to problems and get the job done well with a sense that no matter what, I could do it and do it well.
Then (inhale) my first daughter was born (exhale). A stranger I knew nothing about, had no skills to deal with, and who, honestly, terrified me, had just moved into my house. She demanded food, clothing and shelter. I didn’t even speak her language, and trying to decipher every cry and movement was like trying to learn Chinese. The first few weeks were horrible. I was sleep-deprived, was failing miserably at breast-feeding, and worst of all, felt totally isolated from my single friends who were just as afraid of the new baby as I was. I would call my mother for advice: unfortunately, she had forgotten just how hard it was to take care of a newborn and offered little constructive advice. When I needed her support with breastfeeding, which I REALLY wanted to do, all she said was “you were formula-fed, and you turned out ok.” When I did manage to sleep for 2 hours at a time, I had terrible dreams that only new-moms can have: leaving the baby in her car seat on top of the car and unknowingly driving away. Mistaking my child for a chicken that I used for that evening’s dinner. I couldn’t tell my husband about these anxieties because I knew that he wouldn’t understand, or worse, would think I was crazy and have me locked up for my own protection. For the first time in my life I felt like a total, complete and utter FAILURE and had no skills to handle it.
Finally, when I thought I was crazier than crazy and was going to be the worst mom EVER, a friend told me about a new-mom’s support group that met weekly at the local YMHA. I hadn’t been out of the house in days, probably hadn’t showered in at least as long, and desperately needed some female companionship. So, I bundled up the baby (it was early December in New York City), and made the 25 block-long walk downtown to the “New Mom’s Stroll-in.”
All of the moms were sitting in a circle on a brightly colored rug. The babies were lying on their backs, sleeping in the strollers, crying, feeding, and just being babies. And the moms looked just like me. Bloated, overweight, exhausted, disheveled, afraid, but saw that I was one of them and welcomed me with open arms and hearts.
I had never felt such camaraderie. One mom talked about how badly breastfeeding was going, and at least half of the heads in the room nodded in agreement. Another mom spoke about some terrible dreams she had had (in her version the baby was a turkey and she put him in the oven). Another spoke about how difficult it was that her husband was away for days and weeks at a time, and how much she resented that he was able to go do “his thing” when she stayed at home with the baby. We joked about how when our husbands tried to help, most of them didn’t know how to properly pack a diaper bag, let along change a diaper. We complained about our in-laws (why are they so ANNOYING?) And of course, how none of us wanted our husbands to touch us again, EVER AGAIN. We laughed, we cried, but most of all, we bonded. We could DO this, together, and if we couldn’t figure out a problem, we had someone to ask.
Over the weeks and months a group of us started to schedule regular play-dates at each other’s houses, and met often for coffee or lunch. I had never been one to have loads of women friends, but for the first time in my life I understood why it was important. I was able to draw on the expertise of moms whose children were a few weeks older than mine, giving me advice on dealing with teething, or starting solids. That it was really OK if I had to give up breastfeeding, that I had done my very best. I slowly gave up the fear that I wasn’t going to be able to do this. That I wasn’t going to be perfect at it. Parenting isn’t about checking items off a to-do list; it’s about the every-day, being present and doing the very best you can. Without these friends I would never have been able to accept that I believe the social nature of women is the key for new mother’s and support groups, play groups and programs are essential to all new parents…It was and still is for me!
Our children are all now turning 4. Some members of the original group have moved away, some new members have joined, but we still have breakfast together every Friday, even though our pre-scholars are attending different schools. We go to each other’s children’s birthday parties, we commiserate through second pregnancies, we have a mom’s night out 4 or 5 times a year, and we meet on Saturdays at the playground. And, we are still talking about our fears (what if she’s developmentally delayed?), sharing our sorrows (one son has just been diagnosed with Autism) and rejoicing in each other’s joys (my daughter is FINALLY toilet-trained!). If it wasn’t for that first playgroup meeting, I truly feel that I would never have been able to be a success at being a mom.
We still belong to the YMHA; my older daughter goes to pre-school there. Every Tuesday afternoon I see the new moms coming into the Stroll-In, looking as disheveled and nervous as I was. I wish I could tell them they don’t have to be perfect, they just have to do the very best they can, and that in itself will be perfection.
Robin Shane is mom to Cecily, 4, and Miranda, 6 months. She is co-owner of Go Baby, which designs hip and functional products focused on getting mommy out the door, looking good and having fun. She designed products specifically for her mommy and me workout classes and outdoor stroller fitness groups when she was unable to find comparable items in the baby market. The Go Baby InMat was originally created as a soft place to put her infant daughter during New Mom’s Stroll-In and mommy/baby yoga class. She created the OutMat as a water-resistant, soft and cool place to put Cecily when they went to outdoor concerts in the summer at Madison Square Park. She lives in New York City.
